


try

by angelsprunch



Series: losers analysis [6]
Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder, F/M, I tried to make this sad, but idk, i feel like it isn't my best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 03:35:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12740205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsprunch/pseuds/angelsprunch
Summary: ben is in love, but not with himself





	try

As often as Arlene Hanscom told her son that he was perfect the way he was, Ben never felt it. With all the names he got called in school, he continued to hide in baggy sweatshirts. It didn’t matter to Ben how hot it got in Derry, he wanted to hide his body from everyone. It only got worse as he got older. Children got meaner and Ben found that his only solace was in the library. Sometimes the others would stand up for him, but Ben was typically too ashamed to even admit that it was happening. He didn’t want the others to see him the way the bullies saw him, although he was sure that they did. Every day Ben felt like he was getting larger and he felt that he was growing closer and closer to the day that all of his friends would leave him. 

 

Sometimes they’d sit in the library with Ben when he claimed that he had too much schoolwork to hang out with them. It made his cheeks red to think about his friends caring about him that much, but he never turned them away. The friends that he had were so dear to Ben that he didn’t think he’d ever turn them away no matter how crummy he felt about himself. There were some days that Henry Bowers would call him names until his face was red, but Ben was well rehearsed in simply standing there and taking it. Other times he would listen to Gretta Keene say that no one in their right mind would ever be with someone as big as Ben Hanscom and Ben would simply bow his head to hide the embarrassed blush and continue on his way to his class.

 

In high school Ben felt particularly awful because that was when everyone really started dating. He was still in love with Beverly Marsh, but he saw how she looked at the others. Beverly had a reputation, but Ben didn’t mind it. The parts that he knew were true didn’t turn him away from her. Ben loved Beverly with all his heart and nothing would turn him away from that. Still, he didn’t want to push. He was there to hold Beverly when she cried about how things didn’t go the way she wanted them to and he kept his light on so she knew she could come to his window whenever a hook up went awry. He would hold her as she cried and get ice for the bruises blossoming on her skin. 

 

It broke Ben’s heart to see people treat Beverly the way they did, but it hurt even more to know that she didn’t think she was worth more than what she put herself through. Countless poems were written about Beverly and Ben would slide them into her locker between classes. He knew that she liked them by the way her face lit up when she opened her locker. Beverly never mentioned them, though, so neither did Ben. He never signed them either. Oftentimes he would wonder if she hoped that it was from one of her hookups and he wondered how often she’d recite lines from the poems in bed just to see if they loved her the way he loved her. Ben usually hoped that they did love her the way he loved her. Even if he didn’t end up with Beverly, he wanted her to end up with someone that treated her like she painted the sky every morning.

 

In his junior year of high school, Gretta Keene smacked his lunch tray out of his hands in front of the whole cafeteria. She replaced it with an apple and insisted that she was doing him a favor. Ben had looked down at his bulky frame with so much disgust that the losers didn’t see him again for three days. When Ben came back to school, Beverly was suspended and Gretta was nursing a broken collarbone. Despite the love and appreciation he felt for his friends, Ben still felt disgusted with himself. He didn’t bring a lunch that day. Or the next. Or the day after that. 

 

Eddie would try to split his lunch between Richie and Ben, but Ben would leave it all for Richie. Bill would try to convince Ben to come out to eat with him at a fast food joint after school, but Ben would tell lies about how he had work to do. Mike would try to convince Ben to eat with homemade meals and recipes he knew the other boy couldn’t deny, but it never worked. Beverly try the hardest to get Ben to eat and sometimes he’d eat some fruit or vegetables to appease her. Richie simply watched as Ben pushed food around on his tray with disinterest before offering it up. Richie was never one to turn down food because of how scarce it was in his own home, but he tried to encourage Haystack to eat with him. It got to the point where Ben stopped even showing up for lunch. Instead he’d sit in the library and read or write until the bell rang to signal for him to go to his next class.

 

After high school they parted ways and Ben didn’t know if he’d ever see the losers again. On their graduation day, Ben had confessed to Beverly that he had been leaving the poems in her locker. She replied with a simple “I know” and kissed his cheek before getting in her car to pack for college. Ben thought that would be the last time he ever saw Beverly Marsh. The others all parted ways to pack up their own homes except for Mike who lingered with Ben on the front steps of the school. The two talked for a long time about everything in high school. They didn’t want to talk about the future because it still held something ominous, but they enjoyed discussing the pleasantries of the past. Eventually, though, the sun began to set and they both parted ways.

 

Ben moved away from Derry and he became an architect. He didn’t know why but certain architectural things fascinated him and had Ben remembered his time in Derry, he’d be able to pinpoint all of his fascinations. Instead, he sketched out blueprints and watched as his visions became reality. When Ben wasn’t working, he was at the bar drinking. It was soon apparent to the boy that the more time he spent drinking, the less time he spent eating. It didn’t take long for all of his weight from high school to drop and for Ben to be at a size he could tolerate. It was still hard for him whenever a meal came around, but Ben powered through. He knew he had to eat something in order to make it through the day. He still avoided his guilty pleasures, though, in favor of something healthy.

 

When Ben got a phone call to come back to Derry, he followed through on his promise. Deep down, Ben knew that they wouldn’t always be friends but he knew that they’d always hold true to the promise. Or, that’s what he had hoped until he saw that Stan’s seat remained empty during their lunch. Not only that, but he was sad to find out how his friends were living. Bill was married to someone almost identical to Beverly. Eddie was clearly unhappy. Beverly didn’t even seem safe in her marriage. He tried to calm himself by thinking that perhaps Richie and Mike were happy. However, he wondered if this monster took away any chance they could have at happiness.

 

After it was all over, Beverly was free from her abusive husband. It didn’t matter to Ben where she went as long as she was safe, but she wanted to go back with him. Looking himself over, Ben wondered if it was only because he was slimmer now. Those thoughts were pushed to the back of his mind, though. The love of his life seemed to be in love with him and that was enough for Ben. They got a home together and the others parted ways. Eventually, they began to forget why they were together, though. Ben knew that he loved Beverly, but sometimes he would forget why. The couple couldn’t remember how they met or what initially drove them together. They knew they were part of something greater and they desperately wanted to remember it all. It wasn’t uncommon for either of them to be caught staring at scars on their hand.

 

Eventually, they forgot each other even though they were living under the same roof.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoy this!! let me know what you think! i've got one more fic to write for this series


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